Every once in a while, I still hear her. She whispers, “I’m scared that I won’t be liked.”

“Go away,” I respond.

That’s how I’ve always treated her. Besides, she is not you, anymore.

How many prior versions of you do you have? I’ve got about a half dozen. I don’t think of them often, so I’m sure that I’ve moved on. Right? Besides, that was in the past. Now I live in the present.

There is a version of me that I haven’t thought of in many years. I’ve locked her away deep in my mind and kicked her out of my heart.

During my middle to high school years, I had developed atrocious acne. My entire face was covered. My skin was red with rash. Then to protect myself, I encased my body in the highest-quality insulation: fat.

My exterior caused disgust from others. Perhaps I was inventing a challenging game for others to see the real me. Kicking in my innate survival mode – I needed to find creative ways for others to accept me beyond my skin. How do I get them to see me, then like me?

I became a scientist, testing out many different personalities. I tried being the smartest. Then I tried being the dumbest. The loudest. The funniest. Wearing the most brightly-colored clothes. I had to stand out somehow, in some other way than my bumpy body.

Sometimes we make it hard to see beyond the bumpy exterior. © Kathy J. Sotak

It was a combination of these that eventually “worked” for me, meaning I felt somewhat accepted and understood. I had to work really, really hard for this.

What I know now in mid-life, is these layers of personality were not me. I had painted on personalities to cover my Self – because I didn’t think I would be accepted otherwise. I went on to college and bounced around the U.S.A. I found my husband, a career, then a place to grow roots for the next generation.

Even though I had run far from this version of me, would you believe that I was still playing scientist in my suburban middle-class life? I guess it was my own subconscious operating system, running in the background. I learned and adapted to the human programs around me – how to fit in, where to shop, how to act. I left Her behind, as I walked into this version of me: a new blend of painted on personalities. Is this new mural really me, or just an updated version of a woman trying to fit into this world?

So I’ve started a new science experiment. I’m on a mission to identify and remove as many learned human programs as possible. I’m peeling off the paint at warp speed, urgently returning to the essence of my soul signature.

Despite this progress, the ghost of that past life still remains. She is still locked away, because I’ve rejected her and run far away from her.

Running makes me tired, I’ve realized. So, I made a decision. I invited her in. I sat with her. I allowed myself to fully feel her experiences, then accepted and loved her. I told her, “You did the very best you could. I am so very proud of you. I could not be me today if it wasn’t for your help.”

She looked at me, cried, then dissolved – not outside of me, but melted into the center of my heart. She is held safely cradled in the essence of who I am. She is a part of me, fully healed and integrated. Now, she shines bright inside of me, and can help light this human experience.

Written in honor of all of our past lives, but in this one. May we all have courage to sit with ourselves, hug and honor that vulnerable part of our past.